You never know where the next miracle is gonna come from, the next smile, the next wish come true.
But if you believe that it's right around the corner, and you open your heart and mind to the possibility of it, to the certainty of it, you might just get the thing you're wishing for.
I am jealous of Madeline. She has such a way with words and can make the best of any situation. I guess when you have lived in a bubble your whole life, you tend to read a lot of books.
This book is fabulous. It is about a girl who was diagnosed with a rare disorder known as SCID, when she was just a few months old. She was diagnosed right after her dad and brother were killed in a car crash. So it's just been her mom and her. She's never left their house, like, ever. Fast forward to Madeline, 18 years old, and the new neighbors have just moved in. A family of four with their own problems. Madeline is a very observant person, which I guess you would have to be, having known nothing else but the inside of your own house. So she begins to observe the family next door, specifically the cute boy named Olly. Turns out Olly's dad is totally abusive. Eventually Olly and Madeline soon begin an online relationship, and that's when it became impossible for me to put down the book until the end.
This book is a bit of a mystery at times. The author hints at a darker time when Madeline had new neighbors before and it didn’t go so well, but we never really find out what happened. But this Olly kid is also mystery. I mean, he gives playing with your food a WHOLE new meaning! This Bundt cake that the neighbors brought over is constantly trying to commit suicide. (The bundt cake was made by their mom, and they insisted it tastes gross, and so Madeline's mom refuses it, because of Madeline's strict diet). It has a crazier story in just a few pages than any other book I’ve read. And yet, as the life and times of this Bunt cake is laid out and dramatically lived, Olly is no where to be seen. I mean, WHAT is this kid trying to accomplish? I think the life and times of the Bundt Cake would be a best seller. It’s definitely MY favorite part of the book. I love the creativity of Olly. He is insanely clever!
The Life and Times of the Bundt Cake excerpt:
"Night 4: The bundt is sitting on the sill, Band-Aids and bandages covering half its body. Night 5: The Bundt is sitting on a table next to the window. There’s a martini glass filled with green liquid, a pack of cigarettes, and a pill bottle with a skull and crossbones label. Another suicide attempt? Night 6: The Bundt is lying on a white sheet. An upside-down plastic water bottle is attached to what looks like a coat hanger and is hanging above the cake. A string hangs from the bottle to the Bundt like an IV."
I love the way the author describes the first time they touch, with such detail. It makes me feel like I am experiencing someone touching ME for the first time. Touching is something that we totally take for granted. We do it all the time. We shale hands, high five, hug, kiss, catch someone when they fall, pat their head..we touch a lot. But when you take it from the perspective of someone who isn’t allowed to touch anyone, ever, it forces you to take your own perspective and shift it. Touch is something we take for granted. But that is impossible to do and after reading this book. It is amazing how much you feel, when you're not allowed to feel at all.
The color contrast of Madeline and Olly is something that you may not notice at first. She only wears white, he only wears black. But then she starts adding some color into her life, both metaphorically and physically. Olly is in her life and he is a vibrant person. She starts to absorb some of that vibrancy into her own life, and it shows in her clothes. She buys clothes of all different colors and beings to change, little by little. Olly also begins to change as well; He isn’t as shifty, doesn't have to move his body every second. It's like he is more calm and relaxed in Madeline's presence.
Carla is Madeline's nurse. She spends all day, every day, with Madeline. Since she is the only person Madeline gets to see, besides her mom, Carla quickly became Madeline's best/only friend. She id constantly telling Madeline to life her life, enjoy it. She had the right idea. Life isn’t worth living if you can’t really live it. Her mom, while trying to protect her, is instead slowly stifling the life right out of her, and she doesn’t even realize it. Maddy HAS no life. She can't be around people, can't leave the house and at one point, even has all of her privileges taken away, including Carla, when her mom finds out that Olly was in the house. Carla understood that life should be lived, and live isn’t life without a few risks involved. But it's still so hard to stay mad at her mom. Her mom has lost everything in a sense. She lost her husband and son in a car crash, and then her daughter has this disease that required CONSTANT attention and more careful care than anyone should ever have. She has had to change her whole life around and she appears completely selfish, always putting Madeline first. So while she is a character that you hate for a while, you still have to love her, because of her constant effort to keep Madeline safe.
This book takes a sudden pivot in direction though. Major changes happen about half way through, that set a chain of events in motion and secrets to be suddenly revealed, changing everything Madeline has known. It was impossible to put the book down, and I ended up reading the whole book in two nights because I just HAD to find out what happened in the end, and what happens to each of the characters. I do like how the author ended the book though. The writing was very well done, captivating and descriptive and shines a fresh light on the human emotion.
I think Madeline sums up the book pretty well, while she is contemplating how her life has changed and wha caused it to do so:
"I was trying so hard to find the single pivotal moment that set my life on its path. The moment that answered the question, How did I get here?But it’s never just one moment. It’s a series of them. And your life can branch out from each one in a thousand different ways. Maybe there’s a version of your life for all the choices you make and all the choices you don’t."
I have been listening to this song over and over for days. I love the words in this song, and I always grow attached to songs that I feel explain my live, or a part of it, in a way that I cannot. Sure, it's kind of a sad song but I feel it expresses what my heart isn't ready to say or feel yet. There are even still, some messages in here that arn't about heartbreak. My favorite line in the song is "why do we say things we can't take back? And why do we miss what we never had?"
While I do wish I could turn back time, and make some different decisions in my life, I know that God has a plan somewhere out there for me. My issue is trusting that that plan will work out for my best interest. I may think that I want something or someone so badly that I cry myself to sleep at night sometimes, but no matter how much I want it or how I try to work for it, it won't work! It's not going to just happen, the fairy tale is just a fairy tale, reality has a bitter taste. But my lesson from all of it is this: Life is full of lessons we need to learn. All this heartbreak is there for me to learn something from. I moved to Idaho to learn something. I may not know what those somethings are yet, but one day I will, and when I look back on these days, I will think of what a total idiot I was being for wanting them. But I feel that it is human nature to indulge our sorrows, if only for a minute. Some pain is welcomed, because it is bearable, and something that we may not want to give up just yet.
The lesson is to learn how to let go. Or hold on.
But the choice is mine.
I need to choose.
Staring at tears on the pages
Of letters that I never could write
I know love isnt painless but it's worth the risk it's worth the fight
Playing it over and over I wish that I could turn back time
Baby we're wrong but we could be right
Why do we say things we can't take back and why do we miss
what we never had both of us fell to the ground and love was so lost
it could'nt be found what would it take to forget who's blame
I'm tired of crying at the sound of your name
why don't we turn this around love ain't the enemy don't you wanna be lost then found
Lost then found...
Lost then found...
Love ain't the enemy we could be lost then found
Empty glasses and tables
Echo's through these walls
The memories go were we go there like the suitcase that you never lose
If the good lords eye is upon me I swear to make things right
What ever we've lost I know we can find
Why do we say things we can't take back and why do we miss
what we never had both of us fell to the ground and love was so lost
it could'nt be found what would it take to forget who's blame
I'm tired of crying at the sound of your name
why don't we turn this around love ain't the enemy don't you wanna be lost then found
The winds are calling up we can't stop the rain wish that you could take it back but it's too late it's too late...
Why do we say things we can't take back and why do we miss
what we never had both of us fell to the ground and love was so lost
it couldn't be found what would it take to forget who's blame
I'm tired of crying at the sound of your name
why don't we turn this around love ain't the enemy don't you wanna be lost then found
Lost then found...
Lost then found...
Love ain't the enemy we could be lost then found
The winds are calling up we can't stop the rain wish that you could take it back but it's too late it's too late...
NEW BLOG OF THE SEMESTER!
OK, so far this semester, I have had all new classes, new faces to learn and know, new roommates, a new class with old friends, new boyfriends, new movies, and a new job! That's a lot of NEW!
Oh! There are also a lot of new songs, but we haven't found a roommate song yet. We thought about dubbing it Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen, but Nadya HATES that song, so we listen to it all the time :P
I feel like I must address some of this new stuff, to help clarify and, well, tell the story!
New semester. DUH.
New classes. HARD! I am dropping the ball on my homework at least once or twice a week! I'm drowning on dry land, so to speak.
New faces to learn. Well yeah there are all first semester social work majors, and I'm a second semester, who had classes with third semester kids, last semester! haha. That's a lot of semesters :) But I'm liking this new group. Not as much as the new people, but probably because I had group class with the people last semester so I got to know them really well last semester.
New roommates. I love them! They are way better than the roommates I had last semester. Lets face it, last semester was terrible. I had one roommate I liked and I still see her this semester so thats good. But the roommates this semester are so interesting! Jet is a horticulture major so she likes to point out plants a lot, but she studies all the time to keep her grades up. These classes are hard, and I'm not even in them! Nadya is on her last semester as an english major, and is in love with this guy named Keith Harkin. He is an Irish singer who looks kind of cute. She is determined to marry him because she has already met him twice and has an in with the family. I say, GO for it girl! She like to watch tv with me and I am trying to help her get caught up on Grey's Anatomy, my favorite show, but its not going so well. She is also swamped with tons of homework in a class she is convinced she might fail.
The new class with old friends is my Research method class, my hardest one. But I have it with my friend Hailee so she makes up for it. Plus there is this new class review group that Hailee and Cameron and I are in so we get together over lunch and talk about how to make the class better for everyone. Its nice to have a bit of last semester, this semester.
New boyfriends really just applies to Jet. Her missionary got off a few weeks ago and they are practically inseparable :) It's cute.
New movies. Ok I am a movie lover and I have a huge movie selection, and my roommates' small collections, and the whole selection from Netflix. That's a lot of movies! they give me incentive to get my hw done..most of the time. Sometimes I just want to watch tv instead of hw but I'm working on it!
New job. I HAVE A JOB! I just felt like I had to shout that because I have been trying so hard to get a job and now I have one! It's my teacher's old job, at a gas station down in Idaho Falls, but it's a job! I love the guys I work with, but the girls I work with are mean and I don't like working with them. But there are so many interesting people there that it makes up for it. and, it's money that I need! there shall be no complaining from me :)
So that is about as interesting as my life has been this semester! Nothing too special but I have been busy with work and the homework so I haven't had much time for anything else, like, blogging for example!
So I have decided to make a new goal for my self. Amanda and I were talking the other day, while we were watching a Marilyn Monroe movie. I think it was called Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. And it occurred to me. Marilyn was a huge icon for a reason. Yeah, she had sex appeal, but it went so much deeper. She was a woman, who was beautiful, comfortable in her own skin, had a power within her, and knew how to use it. But underneath it all, she was just a pretty girl, who was inexperienced and vulnerable. She hid it well, because she knew how to use what she had to her advantage, and to get what she wanted. She was a woman, elegant, pretty, confident, and worked to make her life how she wanted it. And I thought, I want to be like Marilyn! So my goal for next semester, to be like Marilyn Monroe, hopefully by the end of spring semester. No, I don't want to be a big sex icon that all the boys chase, heaven knows there is no way I can accomplish that. But I want to be more lady-like, graceful, and maybe learn how to use what I got (however little that may be) to my own advantage. Hey, a girl can try right?
At the moment, I'm a klutz, no coordination, tom-boy, walk like a duck, not graceful or lady-like in any way, I say whats on my mind, I have no tact, and definitely no sex appeal. It can't hurt to throw that in just a little bit right? So I want to refine myself and become more like her! It is a good project I think.
Trying to turn me into THIS...
...from THIS
I CLEARLY have my work cut out for me...GOOD LUCK I say. Well, all hope is not lost (most, but not all), because I have my own personal Queen Clarice Renaldi. You know, from the princess diaries, how the grandma (Queen Clarice) comes into town saying this frumpy and unkempt girl is the next in line for the throne so she takes her and gives her a total make over and princess lessons and she is suddenly a princess? yeah, I have one of those, sort of. I just call her Yoda, because Queen Clarice Renaldi is just too long, and she didn't take too kindly to me calling her grandma. So our next mentor we picked was Yoda! And Amanda has agreed to be called Yoda, and she has agreed to call me Marilyn! We have A LOT of work ahead of us, but I'm working on one thing at a time, baby steps you know? We are starting with the basic research of course, the Marilyn Monroe movies! Great research, let me tell you. Also, to become more relaxed, and graceful, and..well..flexible, I am going to do yoga next semester! Amanda talked me into doing yoga with her last week and let me tell you: I never thought much of yoga, didn't think it did much for you, not a great work out. But, oh my goodness, it was amazing! I stretched out, worked on my balance, and became SO relaxed that I was half asleep on the way home. best sleep I had gotten all semester. So yoga is so going on my weekly list of things to do to be more like Marilyn Monroe.
I think it worked too well though. I was so relaxed after yoga and this guy friend came over after, and I guess the more relaxed I am the easier it is for me to subconsciously play Marilyn, or be more like her. He didn't want to leave with out a kiss! I have a new creeper, P.S. So I think maybe being Marilyn won't be as hard as I thought, but maybe controlling it and learning how to use it. Oh well, that is what my Yoda is for!
Ok, lets back off of Marilyn for now. I have some fun side note I thought I would pop it. We have discovered a new song in our apartment, and we love to belt it out at the top of our lungs, and I can't sing this song with them, without laughing at least once during our "singing". It has become a happy song, and we like to play it when we want to rock out, and when we are feeling a little down.
Here it is!
Okay I personally love the acoustic version better than the original version, because you can watch him singing it. I love to watch him singing it because he gets so into it, and you can tell that he loves this song and is passionate about it. He smiles during some parts and it make the song so much more enjoyable to me.
Also, I have a happy song that I personally like to listen to, especially with all the stress of papers, projects, and finals for the next two weeks.
So Cailtin and I are having a little too much fun this weekend. We have decided to prank her friend Jake while he is out of town this weekend. It is the long weekend so we got REALLY into this! They have this little war going that that Jake (stupidly) started, and when you start a war with Cailtin, YOU ARE GONNA GET IT! She means business. Which is more fun for me! We have decided to "decorate" his room Caitlin-style. We are going to go to the store tomorrow to get:
SaranWrap
Balloons
SaranWrap
and
SARANWRAP!
Tee hee :)
We started with signs, and tomorrow we shall go DECORATE! I'll dish more tomorrow. But here are some of the pictures that Cailtin took of the signs she got really into making.
Ok the last one is kind of sideways. Just go with it!
Here is a little input from me on the "holiday".
Valentines Day is overrated. It is a simple hallmark day, wherein men are supposed to show their devotion to women. Women expect flowers, cards, chocolate, dates, or whatever else they can think of. Now me, I don't hate the holiday. I simply pretend it does not exist. The only good thing about February 14, is the day after when all that candy goes on sale :) Now I know I sound like a cynic who hates Valentines Day and you've heard it all before from all of the single people. It seems that they all just swing back a forth; it's a love/hate relationship with them. They are single and hate it, or in a relationship and love it. But I have never liked the day, even when I did have a boyfriend. My view on Valentines Day is this:
Guys. If you have a girlfriend/fiance/wife/best friend/regular friend, than you should let her know that, Hey, you like being around her/love her/what have you. Just tell her! It's the best thing a girl could have, someone telling her that they care about her. She doesn't need an all out bank breaking gesture one day of the year. Sure, a little something extra never hurt, but going all out is too much. If there is a girl in your life that you care about, you should let her know somehow every day! EVERY DAY. Text her, tell her, send her a gift on her birthday, take her out on dates, what ever works for you! But I'm telling you, letting a girl know that she is special and cared for is the best thing you can ever do for her. I promise. Just TELL HER.
Girls. You shouldn't expect some grand gesture, extra gifts, food, flowers, what ever. Sure, they are nice and we all love getting them! Don't get me wrong. But if you guy only does something to make you feel special one day out of the year, than it is probably a safe bet that he really doesn't care as much as you deserve! I hate to say it, but maybe you should find someone else. Someone who takes the time to tell you things and treat you special, every single day! Also, a word of advice if you are single. You are not the only one hating on Valentines Day! you and EVERY other single person on the planet. And you know what? It just gets plain annoying after a while, walking around hearing everyone hating on some random holiday because they don't have someone to dote on them. Can I make a suggestion? Next year, when you are single and hating on Valentines Day, try getting your girlfriends together (the other single ones with no plans) and go out! Have a girls night! When was the last time you had a girls night on a holiday, and just had fun! Forget about not having a guy, girls nights can be way better! Celebrate how ever you want. Watch sappy love movies, eat junk food, tell man-hating stories, go out clubbing, go to a restaurant, just do something! Besides complaining.
Ok, harsh ranting complete! But seriously. Next time? Don't make such a big deal over a holiday that is only there to fill the gap between New Years and Easter. Just have fun and go with it :)
So for my birthday last month, my roomates decided to do everything opposite of what I said and celebrate it. They bought me flowers! (I have NEVER gotten flowers before) They even bought some cute gag gifts for presents. They hung cute banners and even went so far as to get me a CAKE! With 21 candles...but hey I guess for the golden year you are supposed to celebrate. I left the apartment for a few seconds and they locked me out for like 5 minutes! Turns out they were trying to pull out the cake and light the candles. So they got it right. :) They got me a mint chocolate chip ice cream cake!! I love ice cream and cake, perfect combination!
I think my favorite part of the night though was when we went out to play fugitive! It started out raining which was awesome, but than it turned to snow which was not so cool.. It made us feel real dumb for wearing dark clothes to blend in..white would have been a better call. And better footwear. By the end of the night, we had played two rounds of fugitive, our feet were numb and wet from the snow, and so were our clothes. But it was totally worth it because I got to see some friends I haven't seen in a while and we all got to play together. It was just a fun big game, made us feel like we were kids again. Something we all need now and again!
I suggest you try it some time :)
Ok. So I just finished watching Beastly. I hadn't watched it before because, lets be honest, I'm not the biggest fan of Vanessa. But I gotta say, it was a really cute movie! Nothing too dramatic you know, but you can't watch a Beauty and the Beast movie without one rescue scene. And it had a really good message too, not too profound for us blonds to understand. It's the typical theme, beaut isn't everything and you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover. They really show how it is important to be a friend to everyone and to learn that caring about other people is what really matters. But another theme they throw in there under the major ones it that you should really appreciate the small things in life and take time to enjoy them because they are few and far between. So I though I would list some of the small things that I really love and appreciate.
1. I love these high ceilings in my new apartment. They make me happy and feel a little less taller.
2. I love the rain. It has always been a great love of mine because you can dance in it and sing in it and kiss in it and cry in it without people catching on. Rain just makes me feel JOY no matter what and I don't understand why people hate it so much.
3. I love hugs. They are the best medicine a person could ever have, and they will always make someone feel just a little bit better. In my opinion, hugs are just a little bit better than kisses.
4. I love reading a good book. I love to just sit for a few hours and cuddle up with one because they always have the ability to pull you into the story and take you on this adventure, right in the safety and comfort of your own home.
5. I love music. It ALWAYS has the ability to say things that I can't. I am not good with words and I can't express things as well as I would like. But music has this way of saying things so perfectly. It can express a piece of your heart for you, and can make you feel a certain way. It's just beautiful.
6. I love the shower. It has always been a secret pleasure of mine. I believe that if I am behind a closed door and if there is running water in the background, then no one can hear me and I am free to sing to my hearts content. It is also a place where I can enjoy a few moments of peace because the water just kind of tunes everything else out.
7. I love the sound of the ocean. It has this calming sound to it and the pulsing of the waves is almost calming of you just concentrate on it.
8. I love the way a single rose looks. I've never gotten flowers before but if you just look at a single rose, it has this beauty all on its own. It can stand alone and still be beautiful in its own way, and it's almost like it has the confidence and pleasure of doing so. It gives you the ability to appreciate all of the flower and not just its smell.
9. I love having a stuffed animal. This makes me a 5 year old at heart but just having something there to hug and talk to when there is no one else, is just a nice and comforting feeling.
10. I love the stars. I love looking at them for hours and I love being able to just look up and see them. There is something comforting about them. They make you think and contemplate life and things. They force you to think outside of yourself and your life and appreciate them and the world and their simple beauty. Whatever you believe stars are, they are always there. To me, they are every Ray's Evangeline.
So next time you are walking/driving down the street or doing whatever, stop and thing about what you like in that moment, right there. It may be a small, in the moment list like mine, or it may be a ten page paper. Just appreciate them before they are gone, lost to you for an unknown amount of time.
I'd like to just skip over the whole blogging about Christmas break bit because not much happened. I can sum it up in about one sentence: I went home, made cookies, ate a big dinner, got most everything that I wanted for Christmas, got to see almost everyone again, made some money, and got to hang out with Kiah for a few hours and catch up on life with her. There! 2 week in one sentence.
Coming back was probably the best part BECAUSE I got to move into my new hotel room! Ok, it's an apartment but it FEELS like a hotel! The lobby is amazing, the TWO lounges are decked out with a kitchen and lots of comfy sofas and a BIG A@@ TV! There is a work out room and a dance studio and a practice room and a lot of study rooms too. The apartment itself is very cute. You walk into thew kitchen (big kitchen) which has a lot of storage for food a pantry too. The living room is an open space with (soon to be comfy) couches and a 42" wall mount TV. Add my super cool blue ray DVD player with Netflix on it, and our living room is pretty much the bomb! Then there is a long hallway off the kitchen (with a door to cut it off from the rest of the apartment so we can pretty much blare our music and walk around in our underwear :P) My favorite part is we have our own laundry room! With shelves! Tee Hee :) There are 2 bathrooms and so we have 2 vanities too! Caitlin, Melissa, and I share our own bathroom and the other 2 roomies we haven't met yet share the other one. We only have 5 people in our apartment this year instead of 6 which is nicer! Caitlin has her own room, Melissa and I share the middle one, and the 2 strange roomies share the back room.
Yesterday Melissa and I got most of our stuff unpacked and set up! Except our clothes..We will get around to them eventually..Maybe. So today, that will be our goal. And to go to the store and get some stuff for classes.
Best part? We just decorated our bathroom mirror with a bunch of stuff we love about Caitlin to surprise her! I think this is going to be the best semester ever!
